Tenacious “Housewives”

Mental hardiness.  Strength.  Tenacity.  (I love that word.  I love how it sounds, and how it rolls off my tongue so deliciously and boldly.) Endurance.  Long-suffering (sometimes).

Things have been falling into a good pattern this new year.  I am happy about that.  A pattern that is more in line with these descriptions.

If you are young, unless you have a close friend who has experienced it themselves or you are currently going through it, you may not know that the transition from singledom to married life to parenthood is not always fluid or glittery like some of hollywood’s fun little portrayals.  Most people seem ill-prepared as I was, for what is to come for them.  Nothing can prepare you.  Nothing.  But I think if we had more people willing to speak of it, that would ease a lot of the heartache.

These actions and life phases are messy, splattered with dirt, grime, and the occasional splatter of heated (truly raging) argument.  Life was extraordinarily hard for us as a newlywed couple (“Newlywed” refers to the first year or so of married life, correct?  Except that’s not always the only definition.  Some people think they’re still newlywed at two years, and others feel the idea has worn off much sooner.  I remember wondering at what point we were no longer considered newlywed.  Now I laugh, because we have an attention-grabbing son and I do not at all think I am newlywed, no hint of it here!) with our getting to understand one another’s patterns and rhythms and communication ways.  With getting to understand what it really means to choose to love someone.  Not just to feel like it.  Because when the cold, hard, scathing reality hits you with a very distinct WHACK on the head, that you are both really screwed up and desperately need to be recreated and redeemed, it will be a choice of staying and loving, or running and running far–hiding away.  I remember very vividly getting into my car and slamming the door, and I’m being vulnerably honest here, having packed a bag of my belongings, and driving to my parents house at least a few times in those early months.  I think once I actually stayed overnight, and I just needed to work things out and get over them.  But many times I just drove partway, and then fickly turned around and we made up and chose to show love to on another.  It was hard–and the difficulties required heartiness in order for us to not continue going back to the same old fights and issues. And things are not that way anymore, they are not all dramatic and painful and ridiculous, misunderstood.  We still have blow ups once in awhile, and this move has been hard on our communication and Troy’s overtime has definitely been an obstacle we’ve had to maneuver around.  And I venture to say it’s more like that picture I just painted for most people than they would like to admit or let on to.  This world is simply too happy to hear the simple, easy version of things, whereas the realities are not so readily boiled down or explained.  People have stories in their marriages that are much more detailed and layered.

There are nuances.  There are crazy realizations.  There are dumb smacks in the face when you start realizing what your spouse actually needed from you (but doesn’t know how to ask for) or what your child had been trying to say in their own (20-month-old) fussy way.

Days can be rough.  The toaster oven can catch fire and the dog can start puking, and you can be just standing there in a tee-shirt and pajama pants, looking as frumpy as can be and as confused and annoyed as the dickens.  Wondering if your life will always be a dog-puke delight.  Wondering if you’ll ever nab a moment to remove that weeks-old chipped nail polish that’s starting to look intentional.  Weeks can be  bone-dry and red-eyed, they can be expletive worthy, they can make you want to just leave everything –but you know what?  They don’t stay like that forever.  It is not an eternal place, as I have seen at least in the last month or so.  I feel there is plenty of hope, even for people who may be emotional, or hormonal, or unstable, or stress-level-through-the-roof individuals as I have been before.  Sometimes you just have to wait it out long enough, I suppose, and get on your knees again.

The hope I am feeling, lately in my journey, is a hearty and steady resilience that is being built up.  Built up by changing dirty diapers, by taking walks in the cold because “dang it, we need to get out!”, by doing load after load of laundry and folding and putting it up, of giving a massage when I want one for myself.  It is channeled through listening when I feel like yelling, by giving another chance when I feel like giving up, by ignoring something irritating when I feel its the last straw.  And as a housewife (I’d rather call myself a house person!  I hate that term.. haha) there is so much to do here, and I think the mental challenge of it all sometimes has gotten me so down.  But instead of even thinking of it, lately, I have just been DOING.  Just do it.  Nike.  So silly.  But really, in just doing things, I have developed some patterns and I think that God is giving me some household tenacity.  Some drive when I was so weary from such little work before.  And I am a hard worker, but giving up yourself and giving up tending to your needs because you have a son and a house to care for, is not for the weak, and I am learning just what it takes to be a “housewife,” as lame and totally boxed-in as that term is.  I have a new respect for those hard working people I know and love, the ones who do the behind-the-scenes marching and grunt-work.  I have a shining admiration for their hearts, for their souls which could so easily turn towards indignation and pride, towards begrudgingly caring for people instead of doing it lovingly, but with Christ’s love and affirmation they selflessly keep going.  They continue to love with the gut-wrenching self sacrifice that is everyday life to them, service to others without complaining.  What does it take to give to others willingly, with no expectations?  That is what Jesus is asking me lately.  And He is telling me that it takes his love.  It takes his heart and his spirit.  Not mine.  Mine could kick everyone to the curb and say “See ya, suckers!”  But His.  His is so amazingly giving and full of delight in it, too.

All this to say, sorry I’ve been away so long, here’s what I’m thinking of.

Just another piece of my life puzzle.  Dark coming into light.

All my love,

-M

Friendship healing.

This heaven-sent weather has been humbling.

God has assured me, as He graciously does every year (like a parent does for a small child, who needs the reassurance) that Spring will yet again come to greet me.  The long winter was certainly difficult for me to endure.  This beautiful day makes me look up at the sky, with wide-eyed wonder and childlike amazement,  just sighing with contentment and joy.  I feel so tiny in the gigantic scheme of creation, yet important enough to know that my Father sent me a beautiful day that brings peace and tranquility to my heart.  As someone who truly is affected by the swings and sways of the seasons, I can tell you I’m overjoyed at breezes and sunshine.  Today I was able to go on a walk with one of my best friends.  Somehow, we always connect on the most deep levels, without even trying.  We’ve made time for each other in our lives, but God did most of the work.  She spoke words of healing to me, which sunk in deeply… penetrating who I am, and my perceptions of Me.

Let me tell you some things about her.  She and I are totally different.  We share many interests and likes, but the similarities stop there.  Our personalities are about as different as they come: she is more reserved and very quiet around people she doesn’t know.. I often blurt things out and laugh loudly.  We met as roommates, two new transfers to our college.  When I first met her, I wondered what God was doing?!  “This isn’t the kind of friend I always have!  She’s nothing like me!  She doesn’t talk!  She must not like me…”   Little did I know, she was pretty much thinking, “This girl talks so much!”  Haha.

Over the months, and now years, Sam has brought me so much joy, so much insight through who she is, and comfort. We’ve laughed–almost to the point of peeing our pants… We’ve also cried.  We took a road trip.  We’ve been crazy together.  We do a lot of things that just make life worth living.  She has given me faith in friendship–she has been there for me.  Most of all, lately, I see how her friendship has brought me a deep healing, something that only God can start in motion, and something He continues to support.  Healing through things I never thought I’d be able to overcome, Healing for things that I had long given up on.  She has come to my rescue more times than I can count, being a sister to me and loving me even in failures.  In our friendship, it’s been a constant “in-my-face” revelation of how our differences are beautiful; how I could never have picked this friend for myself, No–only God knew that I would need her so much in my life.  Her friendship brings freedom, and it brings acceptance to my soul.

This time of life has not been easy for me.  I have dealt with stress and anxiety issues (mostly physical ones that you can feel all over your body) since I was about 12.  It has been crippling.  It has debilitated me in many instances.  In some places of my life, I felt I was losing everything, and losing myself because of it.  I am telling this story because I hope someone can benefit from it.  So many people have reached out to me through my issues and problems; but I am especially thankful for Sam & her family.  Her mom is a Psychologist, and has helped me immensely through her love & expertise.  She uses a technique called Neurofeedback, which is, essentially a “training session” for your brain.  Well, it appears that my brain has been wired the wrong way, something is haywire, and my stress response is always in “fight or flight” mode.  It can affect my life . It has made some days a living hell.  All-in-all, with Neuro, I’m seeing results.  Real ones.  Progress.  Though it’s a road paved with ups and downs, just day-to-day struggles with it, panic & anxiety can be overcome by God’s grace.  If you have issues with these things, think of training your brain–it has done amazing things.  So it is through this healing friendship, and the non “coincidence” that we came to be roommates, that God has given me tools to change the course of my future, dealing with these problems.  I know that my God is an Awesome one, and that He’s leading me to recovery.  It’s a beautiful thing, and I know it’s just the beginning.

Love 146

Today Is National Human Trafficking Awareness Day:

My heart is full to write for stories of passion.  Sadly, they are not always tales of inspiration.  I am a steadfast believer that if we want to change anything in this world, we must subject ourselves to some things that are not so pretty.  Not really a slice of “American” pie.  I think that we have to see and learn about some things that tear at our guts…wrench our insides, slap us with their brutality… because we must realize that this world is not a glamorous place.  For many, it is the scariest place.  For many, their life and freedom has been taken violently and that is a reflection of how they see this world.

This is a dirty place that we inhabit, filled with the rotting of humankind left to their ways.  We can hardly be distinguished from the mire.  But there is a Great Hope.  His name is Jesus.  We are those who are dirty, desperately needing rescue yet denying our deep need with a haughty pride.  The picture above is from the website 146.org, and I just read one of those dirty stories.. the horrifyingly true ones that we turn our eyes from.  While it is painful and leaves you feeling hurt and hopeless inside, education is the only way to create change in a real way.  If we don’t know about the atrocities going on in far-off places, how will we do anything to stop them?  If we don’t acknowledge that there is still child slavery, even in our own destitute regions, how will our mind be awakened to a solution?

We have to act.  With intentionality, with justice, and with foresight.  Don’t ignore what you aren’t directly experiencing… be a voice and understand that the plight of these people–these children–is all too real.

Please read, if you have a moment:  http://love146.org/love-story